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The indisputable necessity of small talk

Updated: Dec 26, 2018



For most of my life I was proud of my inability to conduct small talk. I considered myself a versatile person who did not need the waste of time involved in casual conversations.

My father was a successful businessman, his negotiations were intertwined with numerous small conversations. For me, seemingly, a waste of time.

In China I learned that negotiations without small talk and bargaining are considered barbaric.

In France, mails written at of work are considered not polite if they do not begin with small talk, especially about the weather.

And then I discovered that Shoshi Gal, whom I knew as a serious woman, taught courses on how to conduct small talk.

I began to correct myself and understood my mistake. I discovered that there are many courses and books on the subject.

But the reasoned and detailed explanation came with NLP studies.

Small talk is important to find out which dominant senses your partner has for conversation. In a small talk you can identify whom you talk to, somebody predominant visual, auditory or sensual, if you look up, sideways or down while talking.

Then we know how to approach our partner. To speak the partner’s language, to be understood.

There are seven main types of information to note:

1. Tone the facial muscles - loose, strained.

2. Skin color - blush, pallor, airiness, redness, color spots

3. Breathing - normal, flat, deep, air retention, rapid / slow / variable rate.

4. Standing-bent, upright, stiff, slack, leaning forward / leaning back

5. Swinging, stiff in his hand or leg, rapid / variable / slow body rate

6. Voice - Sound, rhythm, volume, pitch

7. The movement of the eyes, the one who looks up, indicates visualization. So, we should better talk to him accordingly. Visual people understand best sentences that require evidence, for example:

"The idea is not clear, your words are vague ..."

"I want to see what you mean ..."

"I see what you're trying to show me ..."

Auditory, his gaze goes from right to left, from ear to ear:

"I hear you..."

"It rings familiar ..."

"Sounds good to me ..."

"Grating to hear it"

Emotional people, looking down at the heart;

"I feel what you mean ..."

"I'm sad when you talk like that"

"Your answer makes me happy"

People love the like. Therefore, when we identify the dominant representation of our partner - we should use it.



The goal is to create rapport.

Rapport is a French word (Rapport) which means trust.

Rapport can also be defined as an excellent chemistry between two people.

Various studies have found that in 90% of cases, the more the person facing us resembles us, the greater the desire (the unconscious, of course) to like him.

In addition, in 90% of the cases - the more we like the person facing us, the more we will (again, not necessarily consciously) behave according to his expectations of us.

Rapport has a particularly high potential to significantly improve our ability to harness others to our ends!

In the same way that we can anchor our resources we can anchor our partner in conversation, as soon as we come with him to a good rapport.

Then, later when we need to convince our partner, we can use the previously established anchor.

For example, in a job interview, if we were able to have a good rapport with our interviewer, we could do some movement with our hands. The same movement later in the interview will return the interviewer to the same level of enthusiasm.

The mundane conversation with which we create the rapport, we anchor, is an element that can ensure our success in a job interview, business, social gatherings, etc.

The methods we have talked about will help us achieve our goals.

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